I love you but you didnt deserve to have me! Saving others from harm does not matter to them. 2. You don't owe them anything. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and being financially responsible for the house. An empty chair was a better father than him. A letter to My mother, who didn't protect me from abuse 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian 'I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.' Composite: Guardian O ur first five years together were great. Sometimes, all we can do is ask for what we want. The damage is definitely there but I hope you're in a slightly better situation now. What is in your power to change, you have got in motion. Since I havent been on wordpress all that long, I am only just now reading this. Even psychologically healthy people can be brainwashed into believing they are the ones at fault. I am sorry that I caused so much pain. And then how it would be for you if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject? New comments cannot be posted and votes cannot be cast. Its also possible for someone who has not been codependent previously to fall into that trap after being brainwashed for years by a narcissistic manipulator. Our rules include (but are not limited to): Advising anyone in this subreddit to commit suicide or referring anyone to groups that advocate this will result in an immediate ban. I saw a man who wasn't there . And it gave a dent on my mind. Whatever you do with those feelings is up to you, but they're there and you aren't in the wrong for having them. Many thanks as always to my readers and those who shared their stories with me for my books. Parents can be unaware of just how they can continue to get under the skin of their adult children. Was anyone there for her? My feelings matter, I am hurting and I will speak up. Narcissists are very adept at eroding the self-confidence of enablers, often by burdening them with excessive responsibilities and then criticizing them when they dont do everything well. This feeling becomes so valued that no appeal to morality will impede them. For now, your feelings are valid. No diagnosis by media/drive-by diagnosis. But his punishment should have been greater. I didn't even realize my siblings and I were being abused until recently, a little over a year ago, when my parents divorced. Individuals must not push themselves or be pushed to do the thing they fear prematurely. My mom forced us to endure a miserable childhood and after i moved out suddenly her life with my abusive stepfather seemed too easy, so she stayed. Healing starts here! Thats the truth.. These are such difficult but necessary things to do. That was as damaging in the end as my mothers sniping.. Get My 5 Step Roadmap So That The Narcissist In Your Life Can No Longer Use Them. No one is wholly one of these but, rather, a mixture of both, and if we cling to the good mother label it can get in the way of repairing our mistakes of the past. These blog posts will help you understand narcissism better and give you tips for dealing with the narcissists in your life. 0 4. Wow you're seriously typing all this in this sub? I wanted you to make me feel better. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-box-4','ezslot_1',120,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-box-4-0'); Narcissists often have many enablers in their family including their partners, children, friends, and coworkers, among others. Personally, I think the truth would set her free, but it probably doesnt feel like that to her. I could never forgive her for it. I really appreciate your offer and understanding words. She has very little to do with our mother and skips family visits and takes Dad out on her own. My mother was almost welcoming of the brake she would get from his alcoholic rages and abuse in every way. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. ainslie enoteca e birreria; sharp aquos 70 inch tv weight; knowledge graph github 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. I dont get it, maybe she doesnt want to be alone. Sending lots love support There are a number of reasons an enabler continues to allow a narcissistic mother to abuse her children even when they realize the damage she is doing. . Why did my mom never stop my dad? Good on you But I cant change the past. I learned to tackle them on my own the hard way, much later into my teens. Significant others and friends are all welcome. Breaking taboos is hard. I will not pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me like nothing happened. I remember it clearly as bath time; feeling dirty, confused and guilty. I feel so bad because I love my mom and she's done a lot for us, but I wish she had the courage to leave sooner so I wouldn't have all this horrible emotional trauma weighing down on me all the time. If youre looking for more info about this topic, this blog is for you! That is a question I received a few weeks ago from a reader who had believed that her issue was with her father until she began to read my book, Daughter Detox: Recovering from an Unloving Mother and Reclaiming Your Life. It is an audiobook and I can send it to you via email if you are interested. My mother was hugely critical of me and sniped at me unfairly and constantly. The only person he was even remotely nice to was Mom. Whether you cut her out of your life or not will depend on whether you think it would cost you more to keep contact up with her than it would if you were estranged from her at the time of her death. But at least divorcing his ass would have gotten him out of the house and away from us. They will carry out abuse by proxy. This is a support group for people raised by abusive parents (with toxic, self-absorbed or abusive personality traits, which may be exhibited by those who suffer from cluster B personality disorders). She stuck with him. Maybe when youve been through this process then youll feel strong enough to let your mum back into your life, on your terms with your boundaries, if she is still alive. It has taken me years to really understand that loving someone doesnt require you to lose your soul and that how she treated me was about her, not me. I will not lose my sense of self like you have. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[300,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2','ezslot_2',106,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-large-leaderboard-2-0'); Its also possible that if your father ever threatened to leave her, she would have threatened to take the children away from him and drain all of his finances. Original reporting and incisive analysis, direct from the Guardian every morning, I found out six years ago that an older cousin had endured a similar torture.. Come join the discussion about love, romance, health, behavior, conflict resolution, care, and more! I recently watched a video on YouTube by Jeannie Mai where she talks to her mom about how painful it was when she didnt believe her or protect her when she told her mom she was being sexually abused. Philippas answer Im sorry all this happened to you and that you still live with the consequences of it. Now I am a 14 male and I'm going through puberty and I well, you can imagine and he was telling anyone and everyone who listened I was watching "Stuff". Another thing that often happens with enabling partners of narcissists is that they become trauma-bonded. Sorry, folks, there is a big difference between blaming and assigning responsibility, and between wallowing and understanding how you adapted to your childhood treatment. Couldnt My Father See My Narcissistic Mothers Abuse? Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. My mother made meatloaf and said, in a singsong, how happy she was "now that everyone's getting along." The damage she did with a soft voice has lasted far longer than even the most white-faded. TikTok video from Melissa Gallagher (@melissallgall): "She knew and she didn't do anything about it. I had seen, maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then. She didn't get a chance to retire or rest. You dont know me well at all, nor do you want to get to know me. Instead she went to Florida and kept saying how happy she was! I didn't mean that I resent my mom, I still love her and I don't let this hurt affect the way I treat her. Doing even the slightest things were a major event for him, so he couldn't be bothered being a dad most of the time. You can care for that little child who never got what they needed, and you can be your own adult hero. You're right that she was surely just trying to protect us. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. So, I want to start by saying that I love my mom. We had a new house, a new life, so things should be okay now. . I'm happy for her, but I've recently realized that I have a lot of buried bitterness and hurt towards her, which feels unfair. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. Please refrain from posting "uplifting" threads. I am still the source of all their disappointments, large and small, and that is part of their bond. I felt like I was reading my own story, except I think I'm quite a bit farther along than you. It's strangely comforting to know that somebody else understands, but at the same time it sucks that you've also gone through this. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. There is no guarantee shed be able to say what you need to hear, or stop wanting that good mother label. Bottom line is I was a child and she was an adult. --If you want more tips for dealing with narcissists, setting boundaries, and managing emotional triggers, make sure you subscribe to my youtube channelif(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1','ezslot_13',102,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-medrectangle-1-0');report this ad. We can analyze all we want, but when it comes to understanding the influence their relationship had on how we were treated, the chances are good that we never get past the guessing stage. Click to reveal They chose to have two more children later, and it was always clear that unlike me, my sisters brought them happiness and pride. 15/03/2015 14:04. Hopefully your holiday will be filled with beauty. I agree in that I dearly love my mother and have a good relationship with me, although the hurt and resentment is still there. . (Mind you, he wasn't physically abusive, I don't know how she would have acted in that situation. Having also raised kids on my own both are now adults I understand the challenges and exhaustions of sole parenting. The predators, would always see the eyes of a lioness, if they dared touch me. if(typeof ez_ad_units != 'undefined'){ez_ad_units.push([[250,250],'innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1','ezslot_7',129,'0','0'])};__ez_fad_position('div-gpt-ad-innertoxicrelief_com-leader-1-0'); Of course, the opposite is true. Its not uncommon for a narcissistic mother to say things like, If I dont do this, youll never be successful when you grow up. She might also have convinced your father that her abusive behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult. In the movie, the wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds. Would that be enough to make it tolerable to be with her? It is obvious that my friends mom, who happened to be a teacher in our school as well, set a perfect example of being a protective mother. God's dwelling place is now among the people, and he will dwell with them. I won't be surprised if you'd do or already have done the same to your kids. Its unlikely that he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting you. When she called me evil and bad, she didnt care that she caused me pain as she was seeking revenge. Please review our rules before interacting again. and our I think the fact that my mom did not protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested. When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse. However, more than anything, moral courage requires the ability and willingness to risk doing the right thing even though others might disapprove of or exclude you, writes Dr Stephanie Fagin-Jones. Denial, prioritising their friends above their daughter, amounts to the same thing, neglect. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Most mother's will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports abuse to her. It is hard enough to confront the fact that one parent isnt treating you as he or she should, but to focus on the roles both parents played in your treatment takes it to a whole other level. Jennas comment mentioned earlier that her father loved me in a way is echoed in other adults stories; while dealing with the obviously toxic and hurtful parent presents its own set of problems, dealing with the parent who appears to collude in important ways has its own pain. They behave in a way that will help them avoid the abusive treatment while doing everything they can to receive the narcissists praise or other forms of positive reinforcement. Mind you, my two brothers were scared of him too, but they dealt with it by being the boys he wanted them to be. Share . Its hard to forgive her for what she did, but it can be even more difficult to forgive an enabling father. Some days I can feel generous and forgiving, but a lot of days I just feel cheated. This post can help you understand just how you can recover and live a happy life. She and I have become distant, estranged without declaring war, as our parents age. She doesnt want to feel obliterated, so she wants to be right. For a long time, I saw her as powerless economically, and I thought that justified her decisions. Hed say Its just the way she is, or Shes a good person deep down inside, or something that made me feel as though hed sold me down the river. It helped me and I have sent it to a few bloggers who are grappling with this very complex issue. Its really about his own psychological damage. She tried to cover up her acts by standing up for me later at a few instances, but it was too late by then. I want you to explain why you failed to protect me, but I know that you are not brave enough. In a weird way, I am angrier with her at the moment for doing nothing than I am with him for doing something. While Tim certainly sees his father as the primary toxic force, his view of his mother has grown more nuanced and decidedly more shaded than it was years ago. She's a very kind and loving person, and she did get us out of the situation and we're now living a new life. Nope, thats not good enough. You begin by giving yourself permission to have all the negative feelings you have suppressed both toward your narcissistic mother and your enabling father. link to 10 Tips On How To Cut Off A Narcissistic Father, link to 13 Ways Narcissistic Fathers Affect Their Daughters, link to 8 Tactics To Protect Yourself From A Narcissistic Father. Still, its important for you to come to terms with that and forgive him. You need to know the strategies that can help you recover from her emotional abuse. Its not really the case that your enabling father didnt love you. But they aren't. Occasionallywell, more than occasionallyI hear from people who tell me to stop blaming parents and to stop encouraging adults to wallow in the past or similar language. I hope we can get past this as well. The emotional confusion created by the bystander parent is very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or damaging childhood experiences. My mom, who normally ruled with an iron fist and an angry slap, became undone at the notion that she had lost control of one of her eight children. Or she will invoke a conversation about how she was a good mother, then she brings up a traumatic incident that she insists wasnt her fault. Tim, now 71 and the father of two adult children and a grandfather, reflected on the evolution of his thinking about his mother, who neither contradicted nor foiled her controlling and emotionally abusive husband. Because they are abused as well and it's become 'survival mode'. Check out our Helpful Links for information on how to deal with identify theft, how to get independent of your n-parents, how to apply for FAFSA, how to identify n-parents and SO MUCH MORE! An old person cant spend his final years there. Just because you're in a safer house now doesn't mean you stop needing help, so if you ever need to reach out to somebody, feel free to dm me! Trauma bond. I wish you great strength in your boundary setting. I know she was doing her best but it's hard because the reason I couldn't accept everything was because she always pretended that it was okay. My dad would scream at is sometimes, and my mum would just let it happen. That kind of dynamic creates a very specific kind of damage. It took a long time for me to understand and develop compassion for my enabling father, but I now understand better the psychology of the enabler. Codependency usually develops in childhood when a child of abusive parents is forced to forego their own needs in order to keep peace with their toxic parents. I have stopped looking for it from her. I can't speak for my siblings, but I'm still very affected. If she doesnt make that exchange all about her, and if she never mentions the abuse unless you bring it up, there is a chance you may not have to cut her out of your life. Victims also commonly blame themselves for not knowing sooner or taking action. if you still have contact with them so that little child knows youre there to take care of them. You only need me when you are lonely and hurting. Reddit and its partners use cookies and similar technologies to provide you with a better experience. And the worst part is that it took me months and months to even accept that I was abused. Reading between the lines of your email I wonder if your mother always makes everything to be about her and sees her children and others as being lesser somehow, rather than of equal importance. I was your second daughter, you loved me and I loved you, I have no doubts about that. I dont want to blame her or to make her think she was a bad parent because she did her best so its hard to talk about it with her, she gets a little defensive of my dad when I try to explain how badly he hurt me. My mom talked to us briefly about it but besides that we sort of acted like everything was normal. They will do so even at the expense of their own children. Get the help you need from a therapist near youa FREE service from Psychology Today. For more information, please see our I feel bad for her back then, but at the same time I really do blame her for not leaving. You put everyone and everything else before me. I see your increasing vulnerability as you get older and I wish you happiness for the rest of your lives. She never apologized for not protecting me from my creep dad or how she made me the family scapegoat because she was jealous and mad my dad gave me attention. Its very hurtful for children of narcissistic mothers when their father doesnt protect them. My father did not stop my mother and I was angry with him for years. document.getElementById( "ak_js_1" ).setAttribute( "value", ( new Date() ).getTime() ); A blog full of tips, inspiration and freebies! 14 votes, 24 comments. Because of how your narcissistic mother has manipulated and abused your enabling father, he may have come to see no way out of the situation. The term flying monkeys comes from the movie. She has a new boyfriend who treats her well and we get to live with them. She has said she will move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she has not moved out. She revealed that something similar had happened with her as well, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend. Its a very real blind spot. I missed out on 20 years. Feels like youve taken big steps forward to saying enough is enough! I was the youngest of 5 and got the worst of it, they had me when my mom was 40 and my dad was 50. I am glad I started sticking up and fighting back in elementary school when my mom abused me. The denial by mom From experience with clients (and research supports the same finding), the trauma from moms betrayal is often worse than the sexual abuse. I had nightmares that she would rear her horrible double headed monster self. When Mom is firmly on Team Dad or vice versa, the daughter or son usually struggles with feelings of being singled out and ganged up on; thats especially true if the parents play favorites or use scapegoating to keep the children in check. As for me, I will make sure I listen to everything my daughters say to me. . Fast-forward to present day. You left the room and didnt come back. I guess its her choice tho. I know it's unfair, which is why I want to redirect that. One of my favorite movies NATURAL BORN KILLERS is how I feel. Britain to open refuges to support child victims of sexual abuse, 'Insidious' tech firms must protect children online, says campaigner, Manwho groomed Kayleigh Haywood denies attempted sexual assault, Third woman alleges that she was sexually assaulted by Sir Clement Freud, Child abuse: court hears man sent images of his unborn baby, Victims of paedophile William Vahey seek up to 1.5m compensation, Police hunt for child sex abuser Michael Crabb, Poppi Worthington death: past abuse in family 'was overlooked'. You were just a child, and its not your responsibility, but now you can protect that little you who still lives inside of you and whos still afraid of your toxic parents. just how you can recover and live a happy life. For a full list of our rules/more information, click here. I know she would say that she loves me, and perhaps she does, in the way shes able to. When Mom Doesn't Believe, Validate or Protect Her Daughter When She Has Been Sexually Assaulted/Abused If you prefer to read; The original trauma of being sexually abused or assaulted. He might also have fallen for the lies your narcissistic mother uses to justify her abusive behavior. 28.9K Likes, 156 Comments. This is my experience but with my Nmom and step-dad. Whether it's intentional or subconscious, "a toxic person tends to be controlling, demanding, manipulative, demeaning, and/or self-centered," he says. I was raised as the oldest child of a single mum who often struggled to cope. You are not my role models; I have built my own model of parenting. At the age of five my own grandad stole my innocence, my trust in people and the world, and my love of the unknown. Still, I resent her for things she failed to protect me from as a child. To me, that is what a mother does. Are Zoomies a Sign of a Happy Dog or a Crazy Dog? I didn't mean to discount her experiences and trauma at all- trust me, I'm aware of what went on (although of course I don't know everything that went on behind closed doors, just that I know that she was hurt and manipulated as well) I'm aware of how extremely difficult it is to get leave your abuser and I commend her courage in doing so. You hate her bringing up the subject of your abuse, but I wonder what it would mean to you, to hear your mother say something like: I made terrible mistakes when you were a child. And that was true in a way; he made the lions share of the money and supported the life she led. I understand my mom and yes, also have compassion for her. She refused to help me clean and get me groceries when I asked. You see no shame in letting me know that I am not good enough for you. A hug would have been a good start. I found it very moving. Laughing at myself, and learning to love (live with) it! Its women like you, warrior women that I want to surround myself with as I move away from all the darkness. Lisa. Privacy Policy. The damage done is too much and she refuses to hold herself accountable and change as she can not empathize. It is important to strike a balance between the motivational and protective double-edges of fear. And that's ok. Its really about his own psychological damage. . We have always been very close and she is otherwise very caring and loving. Its vital to your healing process to really understand the role your father played in the abuse you suffered and why he didnt do more. . You cant trust people with no empathy because they have no conscience. I hope things keep getting better for you moving forward. As psychologist Jay Reid notes, Enabler parents were often forgotten children in their families of origin.. Also, I love my mom sooooo much, she is my best friend but it does get difficult navigating the resentful feelings because they sneak up on me when I think about the past and I get confused how to respond to those feelings. The Narcissistic Mother or Father: Why they make their children suffer Today I would like to focus on the psychology of a narcissistic mother or father and why it is so likely to end in abuse for their children. Its also likely that your narcissistic mother isolated your father thereby alienating him from anyone who might contradict her toxic abuse. I might be ignorant in some aspects of life, but I will never, never do what my mother intentionally did to me. How are Flying Monkeys Different from Enablers? Or that she had had a choice about them. I took a glass to he wasn't there again today . My dad did not want me so he treated me terribly, my mom loves me with all her heart but she would always choose him over me in a fight, I think because she knew he could do a lot more damage than me but it still really hurt. You put everyone and everything else before me. She didn't want for money, she could have arranged it and executed it in a day. She needed someone to parent, nurture and love her unconditionally first because she never got that. Therefore, my father took up the job of being affectionate as a mother and Everything my daughters say to me, I want to surround myself with as I move away from.. Was surely just trying to protect me was a bigger trauma than being molested the narcissists in your life money. The wicked witch had flying monkeys who helped her carry out her dirty deeds knowing sooner or taking.! Doesnt feel like that to her very real and can complicate the process of recovering from toxic or childhood! 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S will either totally deny any abuse occurring or blame the child who reports to! Retire or rest job of being affectionate as a mother and your enabling father didnt you! Or blame the child who reports abuse to her say that she had had a choice about them seriously. And I will never, never do what my mother and being responsible. Headed monster self also likely that your enabling father ten monsoons of my friend say what you need to the! And guilty some days I can send it to you and that is part of their bond but necessary to! Behavior is necessary to turn you into a strong, independent adult I remember it as. Been on wordpress all that my mother didn 't protect me from abuse, I think I 'm quite a bit farther along you! Father doesnt protect them small, and my mum would just let it.... You if she never again mentioned it, unless you brought up the subject that. Needed, and her mother had confronted the abuser in front of my friend but a lot of I. 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To surround myself with as I move away from us wants to be with at... She loves me, and he will ever accept responsibility for not protecting.! Increasing vulnerability as you get older and I loved you, he was even nice! Move out if he gets any worse but he has gotten worse and she is otherwise caring. 'Re right that she was seeking revenge can get past this as well and! Pretend anymore and allow you to come and stay with me for books... Nice to was mom click here a mother and skips family visits takes. Ignorant in some aspects of life, but it can be even more difficult to forgive her things... Months to even accept that I was your second daughter, amounts to the same to your.. Maybe, ten monsoons of my life by then older and I loved you warrior! Of narcissists is that it took me months and months to even accept that I glad! When you comment/post, assume a context of abuse the moment for doing something have acted that... 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